Go The Fok To Sleep
by Little Miss Thalia Grace
Summary: After a long night of trying to put Harry to sleep, Uncle Padfoot comes over with a very special book. Slight RL/SB. Chapter 3 up! entitled 'Remy's turn.'
1. Padfoot's Story

**Disclaimer: Really? You actually need me to tell you I don't own anything? It should really be obvious, considering Remus, Sirius, Fred, Snape and Voldemort are all dead.**

"What do we do now?" James Potter asked as he sat down exasperated in the armchair in his house in Godric Hollow. His Wife, Lily Potter nee Evans, was out with a couple of her friends for a '_Girls Night Out'_ as she put it. He and Remus Lupin were just trying to put the hyperactive child to sleep _again. _Extra emphasis on 'again', considering they've been trying for thirty-eight minutes already.

"Hullo, chaps!" An extremely overly cheerful Sirius Black said as he walked through the fire place.

"Why the bloody hell are you so cheerful, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"Well, chaps, you are having trouble with putting young Prongslet to sleep, correct?" He sat down beside Remus and put an arm around him.

"Yes, and please stop calling us 'chaps'." James said as he shuddered at the thought of trying to put Harry to sleep again. Don't get him wrong, he loved his son to death but the kid was a monster.

"Well, never fear, Uncle Padfoot is here!" Sirius got up from his spot beside Remus to strike heroic pose, pick up his bag and run up to Harry's room. Remus and James shared a look before running behind their friend.

_MWPPH_

When they got to the room, Padfoot was sitting in the rocking chair beside Harry's cot, leg folded over the other with some book in his hands.

"You guys took _so _long." He whined.

Moony rolled his eyes while Prongs looked at Sirius curiously.

"What you holding, Pads?' He asked.

Sirius grinned at the both of them. "This, dear Marauders, is _the _books of books, the one that I guarantee will have Prongs Jr passed out in no time." He grinned and started to read the cover.

"**Go The Fuck To Sleep." **He read impressively.

Remus looked dubious. "Is this age appropriate?" He asked skeptically, one eyebrow raised.

"Not for Harry." Sirius replied cheekily before continuing.

**The cats nestle close to their kittens.  
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.  
You're cozy and warm in your bed my dear.  
Please, go the ****fuck**** to sleep!**

Sirius was still grinning (if not bigger) James was looking like he agreed whole-heartedly with the book while Remus shook his head disapprovingly.

**The windows are dark in the town, child.  
The whales huddle down in the deep.  
I'll read you one last book if you swear,  
You'll go the ****fuck**** to sleep!**

Now James was grinning and Remus still had the same expression on his face, maybe a little less intense. Harry, however, was no longer standing in his cot, but laying down.

**The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest,  
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep.  
I know you're not thirsty.  
That's bullshit!  
Stop lying!  
Lie the ****fuck ****down, my darling…  
And sleep.**

Prongs was now shaking in silent laughter and Moony looked as though he was trying not to smile. Harry was actually starting to close his eyes.

**The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.  
The field mice, they make not a peep.  
It's been 38 minutes already!  
Jesus Christ! What the ****fuck****?  
Go! To! SLEEP!**

As Padfoot shouted the last word, Harry's eyes flew open, even though none of the adults were paying attention. They were all fully into the book now, even Remus who was now sporting a small smile.

**All the kids in daycare are in dreamland.  
The froggie has made his last leap.  
Hell, no! You can't go to the bathroom!  
You know where you can go?  
The ****fuck**** to sleep!**

Moony now submitted himself into silent laughter not unlike his counterparts. They didn't notice Harry start to drift away again…

**The owls flies forth from the tree tops.  
Through the air they soar and they sweep.  
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.  
For real, shut the ****fuck**** up!  
And sleep!**

James was now rolling on the floor with tears running down his face. As Sirius continues, you could hear the subdued laughter in his voice.

**The cubs and the lions are snoring,  
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.  
How come you can do all this other great shit,  
But you can't lie the ****fuck ****down and sleep?**

'Too true' Remus thought, continuing to think about all the great stuff Harry had done. 'He'll be a great wizard someday.'

**The seeds slumber beneath the Earth now,  
And the crops that the farmers will reap.  
No more questions!  
This interview's over!  
I've got two words for you kid!  
****Fucking**** sleep!**

"We need to make this a Weekly thing, Pads!" Prongs said, recovering from his laughter attack, still silently chuckling. Sirius smirked before continuing.

**The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle,  
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.  
****Fuck**** your stuffed bear!  
I'm not getting you shit!  
Close your eyes!  
Cut the crap!  
SLEEP!**

This time, it was both Prongs _and _Moony rolling on the ground in laughter.

**The flowers doze low in the meadows,  
And high on the mountains so steep.  
My life is a failure!  
I'm a shitty ass Parent!  
Stop ****fucking**** with me, please!  
And sleep!**

James and Remus both sombered up at that one, wondering if they were really bad parents. (or figuratively in Remus's case)

**The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing,  
As I lie here and openly weep!  
Sure! Fine! Whatever!  
I'll bring you some milk!  
Who the ****fuck**** cares?  
You're not gonna sleep!**

Moony and Prongs cracked up again, momentarily forgetting about being good parents or not. Ironically, they didn't notice Harry slip to the edge of dreamland.

**This room is all I can remember,  
The furniture, crappy and cheap.  
You win!  
You escape!  
You run down the hall!  
As I nod the ****fuck ****off…  
And sleep.**

"Oi! I'll have you know this furniture is anything _but _cheap!" James protested, but it had a laughing edge to it.

**Bleary and dazed, I awaken,  
To find your eyes shut so I keep  
My fingers crossed tight…  
As I tip toe away…  
And pray…  
That you're ****fucking ****asleep.**

The adults were once again so into the book they didn't notice as Prongs Jr really _did _submit into dreamland.

**We're finally watching our movie.  
Popcorn's in the microwave…  
BEEEEEP!  
Oh shit!  
Goddamn it!  
You've got to be kidding!  
Come on!  
Go the ****FUCK**** back to sleep!**

The marauders shared one last quiet chuckle and all looked to Harry. They were so relieved that he was finally asleep that they tip-toed away high-fiving each other. When they all got downstairs, they all burst out in laughter.

"That was… Brilliant… Pads…" James gasped between breaths.

"Thanks… Prongsy…" Sirius laughed. Remus was just laughing and clinging to Sirius for his dear life.

Remus (Suprisingly) was the first to calm down.

"That was brilliant Siri." Remus beamed kissing his cheek.

"I think this calls for celebration." James grinned.

"Oh, yes. Pass the Berties Beans please, Prongs." Said Sirius as he sat down beside Remus in the same spot before the book.

"Sure thing." James tossed him the box… only for it to soar passed Sirius's head and knock down the vase behind him. They all held their breaths and looked about to cry as they heard Harry's wails from up the stairs.

"Shit." James muttered just as Sirius yelled,

"GO THE FUCK BACK TO SLEEP!"


	2. Harry's Revenge

**A/N: I NO OWN! And yes, obviously I know Lily and James are dead but this was too perfect to pass up. So, for the sake of fictional stories and my sanity, James and Lily are alive. I read this on Google, and I couldn't help but add this to the original fic of **_**Go The fok to Sleep.**_

**I apologize in advance if I displayed a character in a way you don't like, but please don't flame this for that. Also, it may seem that I'm bashing some characters, but I assure you that I am not. I could never bash anybody in this fic.**

**Without further ado:**

Five year old Harry Potter was scheming. His Uncle Padfoot had just left his room after reading the same book he did every Saturday, when his mum wasn't there of course. He didn't like the book. It's not like Harry can't sleep purposely, it's just that he can't sleep with the adults crowding his room.

His scheming was for revenge. Yes, revenge that will make his Father a figurative Uncles never want to read that book again.

He knew just how to do it too.

He tip toed over to the pad of paper and crayons that lay on the small table his mother put in his room.

Harry was proud to claim himself the most amazingly awesome and creative five year old ever.

_MWPPH_

_*Next Saturday Night*_

Harry's Uncle Padfoot, Dad and Uncle Moony walked into his room for the usual bedtime story. In his godfathers arms he saw the same book.

"You ready Prongslet?" Uncle Padfoot asked as Harry climbed into his bed.

"Actually Padfoot," Harry started. "I wrote you a story."

He watched as his Uncles face brightened. His father looked distinctively out of place.

"Don't worry dad, it's for you too." He watched as his dads face brightened up also. His Uncle Moony gave him a look. He knew he was up to something. Harry liked his Uncle Moony. He gave him chocolate before dinner and read him actual kid books.

"You want to read it to us?" Moony asked.

Harry nodded and went off to his table to get the paper. When he came back he cleared his throat and began to read.

**Father, oh father, why are you so mad?  
I'm just a little kid—I'm not trying to be bad  
Yet every night, you cuss under your breath  
It's almost as if you think that I'm deaf  
Yes, I get it, your life has so changed  
But that's no reason to start acting deranged**

**1 out of 3 kids doesn't live with a dad  
Now I know why—some fathers are pathetic and sad**

Harry grinned as he saw the expression on his Dad and Godfathers face changed into one of confusion. He saw Uncle moony lean back in his chair with a small smile on his lips. It seemed he knew that this was Harry's revenge.

This was going to be fun.

__**I know you welcomed me into your life  
After carefree coitus with your career-minded wife**

**Now you're both exhausted and seem only to argue  
Is it my fault? Really, what should I do?  
Here's an idea: Relax and have a beer  
And let me solve our little problem by being the man here  
Did you know that I'll fall asleep 40 percent faster  
If you create a bedtime routine that I can master?  
Didn't think so, and there's another benefit I'll cite  
With a routine, I'll sleep an extra hour each night**

He watched as Padfoot and dad's eyes popped out of their heads. Harry was very proud. He used a lot of big words his Uncle Moony taught him when he had to explain where babies came from to Harry. Speaking of Moony, he saw he was silently laughing in the corner. Harry was happy. He liked making Uncle Moony laugh.

**And if I shut my eyes nightly for 10 hours of peace  
Research shows I'm much less likely to wind up obese  
Experts also say you should read to me 30 minutes a pop  
Yet after just one little book you can't wait to stop  
If it bores you that much, I'll give you a tip  
Just make it up, the words you can skip  
This all boosts my vocabulary and word knowledge  
Which someday may help me score a scholarship to college**

The expression on his dad and uncles face was priceless. Moony was still shaking in silent laughter. It took Harry all week to write this, so he was very happy someone was enjoying it.

**Now let's talk about when I want to color and swing  
Why is it you can't stop all that goddamned owling?  
The brainiacs say if you pay attention to me  
I'm likely to be less violent when I hit puberty  
Yet you don't quite grasp the concept of play, I infer  
Maybe I should tell Mom what's on your web browser  
If you want me to stop crying, then let's lose the 'tude  
And go outside—studies say exercise improves my mood**

Moony's laughter was verbal now, and he had tears of laughter running down his face. The other two were wearing expressions similar to fishes. They were openly gaping at Harry now. How did their sweet, innocent Harry write this?

__**Please straighten up, Dad, and get your head out of your ass  
My young and innocent years just aren't going to last  
I can't take care of myself, so I must look to you  
Now man up and sack up—you know what to do  
Give me a kiss and bid me "Good night!"  
And think about how you can make this thing right  
'Cuz if forever you're going to be chock-full of gloom  
You'd might as well just get the fuck out of my room**

Silence. That was the only thing in the room. Dad and Padfoot were still gaping at Harry like fishes. The only thing was Moony's laughter that was bouncing off the walls.

His dad was the first to snap out of it. He stood up and laughed, then ruffled Harry's hair. Even if he was insulted multiple times, it was extremely funny. James reasoned it was because it was because it was mostly dedicated to Padfoot.

Padfoot, on the other hand, was still gaping. How the hell did harry come up with _that?_

"Did you like it?" Harry grinned. "I call it 'Harry's Revenge'."

That snapped Sirius out of it.

"Wha…?" He asked, dazed.

James laughed and ruffled Harry's hair again.

"Go the fuck to sleep." He said affectionately.

"JAMES!" They all turned to see Lily Potter standing in the doorway, fuming.

"Hey, Lils. You're back." He said with a weak grin.

Lily replied with a famous glare.

Someone was sleeping on the couch tonight.


	3. Remy's Turn

**A/N: I don't own.**

**A few things you should know about this chap:**

**1) Harry married Luna. Why? I am **_**not **_**a Ginny fan. Sorry to all Hinny shippers out there.**

**2) Voldemort was never real. He was character created in the mind of Dumbledore, wh is Fucking crazy. Light Dumbles bashing, sorry if you're his fan.**

**3) Harry still has three kids, but i changed up the ages and features because these are NOT Harry and Ginny's kids, they are Harry and Luna's.**

**4) I changed Albus's name to Remus because i don't really like Dumbles and in this Harry dosen't either. Luna blames it on the Wrackspurts.**

**5) Harry was in Ravenclaw. I think if he wasn't in Gryffindor, he would be Ravenclaw, not Slytherin. Also, as there was no Voldemort, House Ravalries are not as intense, therefore He is friends with both Draco and Hermione who (SPOILER ALERT!) get married.**

**6) This is the last installment of Go The Fok To Sleep, unless any of you have heard of another book that parody's the ways of parenthood and Childhoos alike. if you do, please review or PM me with the title and author, i will write it up straight away and dedicate it to you!**

**Hope that clears some things up! Now, on with the show...**

**Remy's Turn**

Harry James potter liked to think of himself as a good natured fellow. He took things calmly, never raised his voice, got average marks in his Hogwarts classes and had a mischevious streak that ran a mile.

He had two best friends, Neville Longbottom and Hermione Malfoy nee Granger. He had a loving wife, Luna, and three children that meant the world to him.

He grew up with a loving Mother and father, never neglected but not spoiled either. He had three Godfathers, Uncles' Moony, Padfoot and Sev, that were the best.

Harry overcame many obstacles, including the many tasks the crazy Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, made him do, stating it was to help him train to fight 'You-Know-Who.'

Harry didn't know who, but he left the Headmaster to his delusions.

Not losing his head in _anything_ life decided to throw at him (This excludes Luna telling him she was pregnant), he couldn't decide _why the hell _he was pulling his hair out over not being able to put his Two year old son, Remus Severus, to sleep!

Sighing in resignation, Harry slumped on the couch and put his head in his hands. He was a ravenclaw for crying out loud, he was supposed to know how to do these things!

_Use the book Harry, use the book... _a mystical voice, sounding a bit _too _much like Padfoot, drifted through his head.

He froze before laying back in the squishy couch. He blamed it on to much Star Wars. Besides, he didn't even know what book...

Okay, that was a lie. He had a very good idea what book the voice was talking about, but he was _never _reading that book to his kis.

_Use the book..._

Maybe... no. Besides, Luna had a very strong dislike for swearing and didn't tolerate any of it in the house. Harry blamed it on the nargles.

_But Looney's not here..._

That was definitley Padfoot. No one else had the guts to call Luna looney without risk of having Harry at their throat. but still, he had a point.

_Do it Harry..._

Hearing the cries of young Remy in the room above, he sighed and gave in. Surely, one night wouldn't hurt, and if it got him to stop crying, Harry was all for it.

With new determination he got up, headed to his study where he had the book (it was something of a family heirloom now), grabbed it, and made his way to Remy's room.

Sitting on the small chair beside his sons crib, he started to read.

**The cats nestle close to their kittens.**

**The lambs have laid down with the sheep.**

**You're cozy and warm in your bed my dear.**

**Please, go the fuck to sleep...**

Unaware to Harry, a Seven and Five year old Lily Luna and James Sirius heard the whole thing with wide eyes and big grins.

**The Next Night:**

Luna smiled as she tucked her precious Lily flower in bed. Sweet Lily, who had inheirited her hair and eyes, was at the lovely age of seven.

Each night when luna tucked her to bed, she would give her a kiss on the forehead and tell her a story.

This night, when Luna asked what story Lily wanted to hear, she heard a response she never expected.

"Can I hear the Fucking Sleep one?" she asked, eyes wide with innocence.

Luna froze. "What?"

"The Go The Fuck to Sleep one. Me and Jamie heard Daddy telling it to Remy. Can I hear it again?"

Luna blinked slowly and looked down at her daughter. "No Darling, why don't you pick something else?'

Lily pouted but claimed she wanted to hear the Wizard Outsmarted. Luna told her, the entire time mind boiling in rage at the thought of her beloved husband swearing like that in front of the children.

When she was finished she saw Lily was sound asleep, almost silver hair pratically glowing in the moonlight peering through the window. Kissing her daughter on her head she whispered, "Goodnight Lil. I love you."

Silently Luna slipped out the room and down the stairs, letting her anger show on her face. Walking into the sitting room where Harry was sitting with a novel in his lap and coffee in his hand, whatched as he looked up, his wire-rimmed trademark glasses sliding down his face.

His smile disappeared as he saw his wife.

"Luna...?"

She looked up with a forced smile on her face.

"So, Harry, Lily told me this wonderful tale on how she and James heard you telling Remus a certain story..."

Harry paled and gulped. Taking in the look on Luna's face, he thought William Congreve had it all wrong.

Hell hath no fury like Luna scorned.

**La Fin!**


End file.
